Cardia & Dynamis
by Fathomless83
Summary: 'Breaking Dawn' told from EPOV. Edward's most intimate thoughts are exposed during the darkest and lightest hours of his existence.
1. Chapter 1

CHAPTER ONE

With Bella curled up in my arms I allowed my mind wandered to where I so rarely let it, to fantasy.

Charlie's initial reaction to our engagement, that Bella was pregnant, would have been humorous in another life, instead it raised a sadness and a conflict that I had pondered so often since that fateful day in Biology. I was forever at war with myself, weighing up what Bella claimed to desire, Esme's and Rosalie's advice and my own selfish wants.

Shifting my thoughts away from the impossible, I listened to Bella breathe and drew a deep breath of my own, drawing in her scent – a mixture of strawberry shampoo, flannel, moisturizer and arousal. I smiled wryly to myself, as I wondered whether Bella realized how well I could read the fluctuations in her body and what they did to me. I absently began to draw slow circles on her inner thigh, as I carefully ran over in my mind how I would make love to my wife, Mrs. Bella Cullen, in just 18 days time.

Bella Cullen – The name alone fueled my already burning desire for her. I gently leaned into the back of her neck and breathed her hair in, attempting to stabilise my body and my thoughts. Bella murmured and shifted in her sleep, pressing her backside against me, which only increased my overwhelming desire and further questioned my resolve. I breathed in again, trying to steady myself, unable to allow her unknowing seduction to go any further tonight or I would be unhappily forced to leave the room.

Venom suddenly pooled in my mouth, hunger momentarily overriding my physical desire for her. It took a mere split second to realize why – Bella's period had started. I forced myself to focus and draw upon Alice's horrific visions of me killing Bella. In my most depraved fantasies I have thought about Bella's menstrual blood. Part of me wishes I had the courage to push her thighs apart and delve my tongue into her slick, wet folds. Tasting Bella's blood mingled with her arousal, whilst she clung desperately to my hair and begged for more was certainly on my 'Top Ten Things to do with Mrs. Cullen List'.

Lust was beginning to overpower me, as Bella bucked against me in her sleep. I realized my not so innocent light traces over her thigh had awoken an erogenous zone and she shifted once again in her sleep, her core seeking relief from my hand. Bella's warm back arched up against my cold chest and the blood thundered through her veins.

"Edward," she beckoned seductively, twisting around to reach for me as if acting out a dream. Her breath was ragged as she her lips met mine and in my desire I kneaded her left breast, as our kiss deepened, her nipple pebbling in excitement.

"Oh Edward," she breathed heavily in her sleep. "Fuck me. Please, Edward…"

In a shot I was up. This was too dangerous and I was a heartbeat away from being pushed to the edge. I forced myself to the other side of her room, as I had so many times before and steadied myself in the dark, remembering why I loved and respected this woman, why we were waiting and just how dangerous this whole situation was.

Bella, on the other hand, was completely oblivious to the expression of her night time desires. As had happened on previous occasions when I had pulled away from her enticement, she continued to beg for me to satisfy her needs in her sleep. I watched as she turned her body into the mattress, rubbing her breasts and clitoris against the friction of the bed as she moaned my name into her pillow. I watched as she snaked her right hand past the waistband of her cotton boxer shorts and her left hand under her singlet and sought to relieve the tension. As had happened, so many times before I gave into my resolve and convinced myself that mutual masturbation was acceptable when your fiancé was moaning your name as she worked to stimulate herself to climax.

"Harder Edward, I'm so wet for you baby. I want you to cum in me. Please."

We climaxed together. Me silently into some strategically placed tissues and Bella so loudly that I felt certain Charlie was going to wake up and come in with a shotgun and a bullet with my name on it.

Bella twisted on to her back and did a cat like stretch as she threw her head back on the pillows and settled back into sleep. Her hair was tousled around her beautifully flushed face, her lips and cheeks tinged crimson and her lean milky legs kicked out from under the sheets. Her thin singlet barely disguised the rise and fall of her developing chest and I was certain the naughty little minx knew the effect it had on me and purposefully wore it to test my resolve. The fact that Bella did all this to entice me, made it that much harder to resist her and I silently growled as I settled a safe distance away in her rocking chair, unable to ignore the blood at her finger tips.

Gazing longingly at her, I noted the changes that had occurred in Bella over the last year. Gone was her chaste-like, schoolgirl innocence. Her breasts had filled out into rounded mounds and under Alice's tutelage her style had adapted to a slightly sexier edge. I had distinct suspicions that the two of them actually worked quite hard to taunt me with the constant appearance of new fitted blue shirts and the slightest hint of black lingerie underneath playing against her perfectly white skin. Alice had been very careful about her thoughts around me regarding the wedding and honeymoon, but had suffered from a momentarily lapse one day whilst shopping online at Victoria's Secret. Her excited mental squeal had caught my attention from across the house and my mind had suddenly be assaulted by visions of Bella carefully smoothing a slinky black negligee over her body, her wedding band sparkling in the moonlight. The thought was so intoxicating that I had to bury deep within my mind.

The scent of blood was getting stronger and I was glad Bella had chosen black boxer shorts and darker sheets, so she wouldn't wake up in an obvious pool of blood. I tried to put my finger on the moment when my Bella had changed from adolescent to young woman and my thoughts immediately raced back to the night she had tried so earnestly to seduce me and then accepted my proposal. It wasn't her physical changes that had convinced me that this was the moment, rather her confidence and certainty in articulating what she wanted.

Settling back into Bella's rocking chair I fought the urge to lick the blood off her fingers, as my mind drifted to darker things, including what I was about to take from my love.


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER TWO

"Is this what she is going to want in twenty, fifty, one hundred years time?" Rosalie had demanded, storming into my room unannounced on an afternoon soon after the official announcement of our engagement.

"Bella has considered the options," I had answered.

"Have you spoken to her about it?"

My face fell.

"Not in as many words," I confessed and Rose's face soften for a moment as she sat on the edge of my bed and gestured for me to join her. Sighing, I sat down next to her.

"Edward, I am not trying to meddle in your affairs and I will respect your decisions, but I need to ensure that you have considered all of the options for Bella before it's too late."

Rose looked at me earnestly and if it could my face would have been as inflamed with chagrin as Bella's so often was.

"What is it that you want to discuss with me, Rosalie?" My voice was clipped and I bristled defensively.

"Before you came along what did Bella want to be when she 'grew up'?"

My brow furrowed. Bella had never discussed it. We had never discussed anything further than college and marriage.

"You don't know, do you Edward?" Rosalie accused. "She's so careful around you that she won't mention anything that might prolong you changing her."

"Bella can still achieve almost anything she wants afterwards. She can go to college, travel and have a career just like Carlisle. Naturally, there are constraints…"

"Children, Edward. Have you discussed children?"

"I…" I looked at Rose and her thoughts betrayed her. She wasn't being malicious, she was genuinely concerned about what I would be taking away from Bella and my silent heart began to crumble. "We've only discussed it so far as to say that it's not a possibility with me."

Rose considered this.

"You haven't considered other means?" She asked gently, picking up my hand and holding it in hers.

"Other means?" My eyes widened. "We have discussed 'adopting' if that is what you mean?"

Rosalie paused for a moment, as I heard the meaning of her words before she spoke them. My still heart thundered.

"Would you ever consider allowing her to have children with someone else before you changed her?"

"No!" I said too quickly. Imagining Bella with Jacob Black's paws all over her. "I mean, Bella has made her decision and considered her options. She is happy."

"Did you know what you wanted when you were that old?" Rose asked pointedly. "As far as I recall you were planning to run off to World War One."

"Rosalie, we have considered the options. Bella is a grown woman. I left and tried to give her the opportunity to consider the other options, but this is what she has chosen. Trust me, we haven't rushed into this."

Rosalie licked her bottom lip and nodded curtly.

"Just promise me you will discuss this further with Bella, before you change her. Promise me, Edward."

"I promise, Rosalie." I squeezed her hand slightly. "I know you mean well."

Rose removed her hand from mine and patted me affectionately on the leg.

"I just want you to be happy," Rose assured me, as she stood up and left my room with a swish.

I sat back on my bed and thought about Rosalie's concerns. One did not need to be a mind reader to know of her desperate longing for a child, although I had heard the thought echo through her consciousness for decades. It broke Emmett's heart and was the source of Rosalie's hostility toward Bella.

I pinched the bridge of my nose, as I allowed my mind to wander once again. I imagined Bella holding a baby with porcelain skin and big, chocolate brown eyes. Our baby. I immediately shook the fantasy away. It was greedy and impossible. I already had everything I ever wanted and more, but was it everything Bella wanted?

I sought out Esme. I felt like a traitor airing Bella's most intimate thoughts to my family. We both valued our privacy so intently that I found it difficult to raise the issue with Esme at all. Sensing my unease Esme reached out and held my hand as we walked out to the outer reaches of our property and away from our family's sensitive ears.

"What is it Edward?" Esme looked up at me with motherly concern. It still shocked me how lucky I was to have the family that I did. I thought of all of those who had been turned and who had not been so lucky.

"I'm worried that I am taking away Bella's opportunity to be a mother." My words hung in the air a moment as Esme considered my statement for a moment.

"Edward," she started slowly, looking up at me earnestly. "Part of being a mother is having children with the one person that you truly love. Carlisle and I are your parents and we have the perfect family," she smiled up at me. "But I would never substitute Carlisle for anyone else. A family cannot be forced, rather it is created by the decisions of a person's heart. Bella's heart has chosen you. You will both always be a part of this family and perhaps one day you and Bella will choose to adopt as Carlisle and I have. You never know what the future will bring my son." Esme squeezed my hand in assurance. "Bella is an exceptionally clever young woman. She knows what she wants."

I smiled crookedly at Esme and squeezed her hand back wishing that I could truly believe her.


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER THREE

The next evening I heard Carlisle mentally call out to me from his study.

_Edward, may I speak with you a moment?_

I entered his sanctuary and sat on the chair opposite his seat at his desk. The rest of the family was out hunting. Carlisle's thoughts were business like and gentle.

"Have you thought more about your honeymoon?" Carlisle asked.

"Two nights ago Bella had her period and I was over come with lust. I…" I couldn't finish that sentence.

"Edward, you are permanently stuck inside the body of a seventeen year old male. Bella is going to be your wife. What you're feeling is entirely natural." Carlisle nearly chuckled despite his professional demeanor. "You have channeled your excess physical and mental desires beyond what any other our kind has previously."

Embarrassment flared up to the surface of my face and I fought it. I had to approach this issue with maturity and consider the best way to pursue this course of action. Naturally this would involve seeking advice from members of my family. On every other issue I always felt mature, but on this particular one I was the perpetual child. I wasn't embarrassed by my virginity; rather I just didn't enjoy being perceived as juvenile and inexperienced. It was an inner battle I had heard in the minds of hundreds of high school boys, as they wrestled with raging hormones, morals and their identity.

_I don't wish to pry into your personal life, Edward. I am here if you need to talk though._

"Thank you, Carlisle." I paused for a moment, again feeling extremely uncomfortable about airing personal information about Bella to my family. "I've been thinking about it and I think, in fact I know, that I need to expose myself to Bella more in order to desensitize myself."

'Expose myself to Bella more'. What kind of a ridiculous statement was that? I inwardly chided myself.

Carlisle simply nodded and then spoke out loud.

"I believe that is a sensible approach, Edward," he looked over his desk at me filled with nothing but fatherly concern. "Don't be afraid of Bella or your feelings toward her. She will be your wife in a matter of weeks and she not only desires, but needs, a physical expression of love from you."

I nodded and stood up, once again attempting to mask my embarrassment and concern with a mature and calm expression. It seemed absurd that killing Victoria was a thousand times easier than the conundrum of making love to my wife in a few weeks time.

I gently closed Bella's window behind me and quietly turned to observe her. Her hair was tousled and splayed across her pillow and her limbs were tumbled between her afghan blanket. She was so pale that she almost looked luminescent in the moonlight. Bella's breathing was heavy, indicating that she was sleeping deeply. I sat on the edge of the bed and watched her.

Bella certainly had been taking notes in Alice's 'Dressing to Manipulate 101' classes. There continued to be subtle differences in the way she dressed. Her pajamas over the last month or so had been a parade of almost sheer fabric singlet and shorts. Bella had been exposing more skin than ever before. This particular singlet was a tight navy blue number, with thin straps and navy lace hemming. Bella's throat and décolletage were thrown back and displayed to me, aching to be touched. This intoxicating woman was the predator, not me. I chuckled quietly to myself and Bella stirred at the noise.

"Edward?" She stretched her hand out to my face sleepily, as she drew me in for a kiss. Our lips met and Bella twisted in to me and as her blood once had, her arousal hit my like a battering ram. I immediately shot to the other side of the room.

"Aggh. Edward!" Bella threw her head up in frustration and turned to me with her eyes heavy with lust. "In all seriousness, I am going to spontaneously combust."

"Believe me I know, love," I said wryly, as I sat back down on the edge of the bed. Bella looked at me curiously, as I very rarely admitted my own frustration and I could see that she was immediately looking for a chink in my armour that she could exploit for her own gratification.

I took an unnecessary breath to settle my nerves and noticed that my hands were shaking ever so slightly, before I stepped further forward than I ever had before.

"I have a suggestion that I believe will be beneficial to our agreement."

"What is it?" She looked at me with the slightest edge of suspicion, afraid that I was going to renege on our arrangement.

"I'm concerned about my ability to control myself around you."

"Edward," Bella looked up at me earnestly. "You've proven your control time and time again, to the point that you now seem completely disinterested in my blood."

I grunted at this, clearly I was an even better liar than I thought I was.

"Love, it's not your blood that distracts me so, although trust me it's still frighteningly appealing, it's…"

Bella looked up at me expectantly, as I tried to think of a more delicate way to express myself and failed miserably.

"It's what?" Bella reached out and held my hand in order to encourage my admission. I turned to her and gazed at her with all of the love and respect I could muster.

"It's your arousal."

To her credit Bella blinked only once and didn't miss a beat.

"I did wonder whether you could tell?" she said, as she drew her knees up to her chest. Like me she seemed to be struggling between portraying maturity and fighting off creeping embarrassment.

"I can tell love and it's intoxicating." Bella's lust filled eyes met mine and the scent of her arousal flooded the room.

"I see," she answered evenly, as her body arched in anticipation. "So what is your suggestion?"

Bella's nipples hardened under her singlet and I had to find something else to focus my all of my attention on. My eyes fell on a picture of Bella and her father sitting on her dresser. Chief Swan's frozen gaze was enough to steel my resolve.

"I think we should practice certain scenes, if you will." I watched as Bella's eyes grew wide with delight and desire. "I need to desensitize myself somewhat or I will be completely overwhelmed when the time comes."

Bella didn't say anything; instead she reached out her hands and took mine in them. We gazed at each other, a mixture of relief and uncertainty. Relieved that an unspoken fear had been aired and uncertain about how to proceed into uncharted territory.

Fighting myself, whilst feeling a flush of liberation and excitement, I placed my ice-cold fingers under the hem of her singlet.

"May I?" I asked, as she lifted her arms above her head so that I could remove the offending garment. I held my hands on either side of her hips and gently pushed the fabric upward, feeling the side of her waist, her ribcage, her bare back and finally brushing over her breasts with the palms of my hands. Our eyes remained locked on each other's, as our breathing became more hitched. As I drew Bella's singlet over her head and just as it had, all of those years ago in Biology, the thrumming current sparked up between us, reminding me what it had felt like to have a pulse.

"Please touch me, Edward." Bella whispered softly, as she offered her naked torso to me in the moonlight and for the first time I didn't pull away.


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER FOUR

Bella sat of the edge of the bed in nothing save the skimpiest pair of shorts I had ever seen. Her arousal was pooling and I growled slightly as I felt myself strain against the fabric of my own jeans. Bella leaned forward to remove my shirt.

"Not tonight, Bella." I shook my head, my voice thick with desire. "If I am going to be able to do this we need to proceed slowly."

Bella bit her bottom lip and conceded, settling back against her pillows and beckoning me towards her. I stopped breathing and lay down next to her. I didn't dare touch her yet.

Bella turned her head on the pillow so that she faced me. My mind was heady with thoughts and hormones, as she looked at me with big, chocolate eyes. Through the sea of need, her eyes also offered an expression of certainty and patience. Fighting feelings of guilt and sin, I reached out and ran my right index finger down her pale white throat, past the thrumming of her carotid artery and down her sternum. Bella shivered involuntarily under the coldness of my touch and I pulled away. Sensing my nervousness, Bella reached out and traced my hand like she had that first day in our meadow. Unlike that day, however, her gentle caresses were confident and assuringly familiar.

I channeled my thoughts elsewhere in an effort to keep my natural instincts at bay. My mind wondered to the idea of Heaven. I wondered whether I would ever know a place that was free of worry, guilt and fear? By changing Bella would I prevent her from knowing such a place too? I felt certain that I was the most selfish person on earth. I froze for a moment and Bella rolled her body over so that her stomach was on the mattress. She leaned towards me, her chin cupped in her hands.

"Edward?" She gazed up at me, a small smile playing on her lips, as her relaxed demeanor settled me. "I find it somewhat ironic that you seem to be afraid of me."

"I'm not afraid of you, love," I answered softly. "I'm afraid of what I might be capable of."

Bella's eyebrows knitted together momentarily.

"I know we've said this to one another before, but you really don't see yourself clearly."

"Maybe you just see the parts I let you see…" My voice trailed off, as she quirked her eyebrow at me.

"Give me a little more credit than that, Edward. I know you better than you think." She stretched herself out languidly on the bed, her back now exposed to me. Venom pooled in my throat as the moonlight danced across her shoulder blades and I involuntarily reached out and ran my finger down her spine in one fluid motion. Bella relaxed into my touch.

"I know that for you pleasure is inexplicably tied to guilt," she continued, as I gently raked my hand over her back, exploring the feeling of the nape of her neck, her shoulder blades and the back of her rib cage. I chose not to answer her and instead focused on the electric current humming at my fingertips.

"Here," Bella rolled over so that she once again lay bare-chested with her head against the pillows. "Listen to my heart, it both trusts and loves you." She placed my right hand just above her left breast so that I could feel both the thudding of her heart and the gentle curve of her breast. I held my hand in place rigidly, until I slowly began to enjoy the sensation. I wanted to build up the courage to move my palm over her nipple and to cup her soft breast. What motivated my resolve most was her bravery and patience. Once again, I met her eyes with as much respect and love as I could convey in a mere look, as I moved my hand to gently squeeze her breast. This move elicited a soft moan from Bella and I was assaulted by a fresh wave of blood-tinged arousal. Instead of recoiling away though, I was overcome by instinct and desire and I bowed my lips down to her pebbled nipple and softly sucked at her breast. Bella moaned again and her back arched up, pressing her further into me. Desire pooled between her legs. Instinctually my thumb hooked into her shorts and I pulled them off her in one fluid movement. All that stood between us was her underwear.

"Edward," Bella blushed ferociously at me, as she tapped her knees together. "I have my period."

"I know, love." My head was thick and heavy, as my fears were overcome by carnal drive. A growl escaped my lips. I ignored her warning and tore the underwear and her pad away. Bella looked up at me in shocked desire, whilst I gently pushed her legs apart to gaze into her folds. I licked my bottom lip, as my jeans strained against me. "Perfection."

I felt drunk and uninhibited. With as much control as I could muster I traced over my icy fingers in circles up and down her inner thigh, as desire mingled with blood coursed through her.

"Edward," Bella begged, as she bucked towards me rubbing her hands over her breasts and through her hair in an effort to quell her building desire. "Are you trying to kill me?"

Instead of answering I very gently slide my middle finger into her and latched my eyes on to hers.

"Please tell me if you want me to stop."

Bella shot me her best stop and I will kill you expression. I paused for a moment, teetering on the edge of desire and reason. Was this too much? I felt morally corrupt, as my hand cupped my fiancée's pussy.

'Pussy'. Great, now my inner monologue was beginning to sound like one of Rosalie and Emmett's horrendous pornos, but the dirtiness of this thought only propelled my urgency.

"Edward," Bella looked at me pleadingly. "Please."

I took a deep breath and as the voice of reason fought with every other part of me I moved quickly before that voice could stand a chance of winning.

Bella's blood and lust engulfed me as I nuzzled my nose against her flowing core, breathing in her scent. The venom flowed down my throat, as my tongue flitted hungrily across my lips. I had to taste her.


	5. Chapter 5

CHAPTER FIVE

Driven by carnal desire I flicked my tongue luxuriously across her folds tasting Bella's arousal and blood. She shivered into me, arching up for more. Her blood tasted just as I had remembered it, like the world's purest heroin to this desperate addict. My hands gripped Bella's inner thighs tightly, too tightly, my barely lucid subconscious noted and I released my grip to the ghostliest touch I could muster. Greed overcame me and I darted my tongue into her again, lapping her up. Although, the blood was old and poorly oxygenated it was enough to unlock a frenzied hunger from within. An artery at the top of Bella's thigh began to thud harder and faster than I had ever noticed before. I peered up to look at Bella who was thrashing against her pillows and rubbing her hands up and down her breasts, as she thrust into me begging for a further connection. I blew an icy breath over her engorged flesh and she nearly undid herself right then and there.

"Edward," she moaned urgently. "Please, please fuck me!"

Bella Swan uttering these words with her legs splayed out to me in the moonlight was pure fantasy brought to life. With her long hair tousled and falling over her naked breasts, and her open core, she was the succubus and I the innocent victim.

My phone began to vibrate in my pocket, but I chose to ignore it. Instead I bowed my head once again and delved into the most intimate parts of Bella. Despite never having actually performed this act before, I was confident in my anatomical knowledge. I also knew from years of inadvertent eavesdropping what particular aspects and details women's minds pondered on long after the act itself was over. I licked Bella's folds again in one delicious sweep and then settled on her throbbing clitoris, sucking and teasing, as her hands fell down to my hair and she started alternating between pulling on it and pushing my head into her for further stimulation.

Soaking with arousal her core began to clench harder and faster, whilst her breathing became more and more erratic. My phone continued to vibrate in my left pocket.

"Come on baby," I spoke into Bella as I drove her to climax, her body began to shudder and her moans became so loud that I heard Charlie's thoughts begin to rouse from a deep sleep in the other room. I didn't care; all I cared about was the beautiful woman coming over me, begging me to be inside her.

"Edward!" She moaned, as she threw her head back to the heavens and uttered obscenities to a deity.

As Bella came I pushed more hungrily into her folds and I imagined turning her over and having her on all fours on her bed, fondling her breasts and stroking her aching nub, as I fucked her from behind. I growled deeply, as Bella finally released in an orgasmic and verbal fireworks display before collapsing limply on to the bed, momentarily sated.

_EDWARD!_

Alice's high-pitched voice flooded into my head, as a feeling or release and calm washed over me.

Simultaneously enraged thoughts shouted into my head from the next room.

_I'm going to kill that son of a bitch! How dare he come under my roof and treat my daughter like that. I don't give a fuck that they're engaged._

It was as though a switch had been flipped and my frustration relieved in a heartbeat.

A heartbeat… I looked down at Bella whose head was still lolling against the pillow. What had I done? Bruises were already beginning to form from my touch. I instantly felt sick.

_Edward, I'm sorry, but we had to come._

We? Jasper. Humiliation flooded through me, as the realisation dawned on me that Alice and Jasper had raced over here to control and prevent me from doing something devastating and irreversible.

_Edward, get out right now! Charlie's coming._

I swallowed, my eyes wide at both what I had done and what I could have done. At vampire speed I threw the shreds of Bella's clothing under the bed and tossed a blanket over her. The room smelt unmistakably of sex. Bella looked at me with increased lucidity, before her expression crumpled at the dark shadow that was crossing over my features.

"I'm so sorry, love," I breathed. "Charlie's coming."

And before her heart could reach its next beat I had fled through the now slightly open window.

A/N This story really isn't going to be the horrendous porno it seems to be setting up for. It will describe all of 'Breaking Dawn' from EPOV including doting fatherly feelings, true and wondrous love towards his new wife, trepidation towards changing Bella, fun times with his siblings and more. Edward just has alot of hormones to work through first.


	6. Chapter 6

CHAPTER SIX

I fled into the forest and considered where to run. The night sky sparkled at me, seemingly unaware that the clouds should castaway the stars in order to reflect my own darkened state. I momentarily contemplated going to our meadow, but quickly dismissed the idea not wanting to taint its purity with the waves of shame and nausea that threatened to engulf me. My head throbbed sluggishly. My mind echoed the sentiments I had heard in humans' minds when they were hung over. I felt seedy and filled with feelings of remorse and haziness, washed down with a bitter aftertaste.

Resignedly, I stopped running and found myself at the foot of an ancient Douglas fir. It towered above me, not even branching until 75 feet above the ground. Its bark alone was a foot thick. Angrily, I punched its trunk in an effort to relieve the tension. The mammoth organism swayed and groaned slightly, but otherwise ignored me. I pushed at the trunk again. The tree groaned more loudly this time and the sleeping creatures within it began to stir. The third time I approached the tree I intended to push it over. Given its magnitude it was extremely unlikely that I would have been able to, but I stopped myself nonetheless. Creating a physical path of destruction in the wake of my behaviour was not only juvenile; it would serve as yet another reminder of something I had destroyed. Instead I scaled the tree in record time in an effort to escape the reality of life with the mere mortals below. The night breeze whipped through my hair as I gazed over the peninsula and across to the reservation. I then took my first settling breath since leaving Bella's home.

Bella. I pinched the bridge of my nose as I considered how she was handling the aftermath of the incident. How had she explained herself to Charlie? Charlie would have entered the room filled with angry accusations and found nothing other than Bella alone in her bed and I doubted that he would accuse her of anything else. My greater concern was how Bella considered my behaviour. This was not how I had intended for tonight to turn out. I had truly only meant to talk to Bella about the intensity of my physical attraction to her and to slowly learn how to proceed in areas I had previously considered off limits. Instead, I had escalated to drinking her blood via the most intimate means possible within a matter of minutes. A fresh wave of nausea and guilt washed through me, as I considered everyone's expectations of me in this matter.

Ironically, everybody thought very highly of me in regard to this issue, with the natural exception of Charlie and Jacob Black. The thoughts of my family indicated that they unwaveringly believed that I had the self-control necessary to fulfil my promise to Bella. Rosalie was healthily sceptical, but nonetheless seemed to believe that my 'dramatic' (as she liked to put it) love for Bella would override any other potential issues. My family's trust concerned me, as trust could lead to complacency. I had to start developing contingency plans for every kind of scenario. Nothing about this course of action could be left to chance.

I both longed and dreaded to know Bella's reaction to this evening's events. Had I frightened some sense into her by revealing more of the monster within or would this just encourage her to push for more? With a sardonic smile I knew the answer would be the latter.

If someone had informed me during my living, breathing teenage years that I would have to wait almost a century to lose my virginity I would most likely have been tempted to lose it anyway possible, rather than consider the possibility of facing decades of frustration. When Carlisle changed me I was much the same as any other teenage boy, constantly assaulted by wave after wave of carnal instinct. As with many other personal characteristics, this attribute was only heightened when I was changed. I see sex everywhere – in people's minds, in my family home on a nightly basis and when Bella wears a black bra under the thin fabric of her blue shirt and doesn't think I notice, to name but a few. Over the decades I learnt to control my urges. This led some members of my family, such as Rosalie, to believe that I was asexual (This notion was probably sparked in her mind as a defence mechanism when I didn't respond to her as a potential mate), whilst the more generously minded, like Esme and Carlisle, believed that I was waiting for my true mate. The truth of the matter was everyone's observations were correct to an extent. My human upbringing has always insisted that I behave in a gentlemanly manner, neither Rosalie or I held any appeal to one another and eventually I became aware of the fact that after having waited so long I knew I only wanted to perform the most intimate of acts with my true mate. This ideal has maintained me through the decades; despite the fact that I had been long certain that such a wondrous creature would never appear. This ideal also kept me safe from the extremely seductive efforts of several women who had identified me as a sexual conquest and challenge over the years, including my Denali cousin, Tanya. If I could not offer Bella my humanity, at least I could honestly offer her a small element of purity.

As the cover of night and isolation settled my nerves I contemplated how I was going to handle the challenge ahead of me. I considered the Madonna/whore dichotomy that concerned the minds of so many women as they attempted to balance their sexuality against morality and tradition and I understood their inner turmoil. I needed to let go of my preconceived notions, yet maintain my gentlemanly manner and respect for Bella. I wanted to give her the wedding night she deserved, without disappointing or killing her. My heart filled with resolve, clarity and what I hoped was courage. I would plan to fulfil Bella's wish to military precision. The only aspect of my own feelings I would consider was how to control my own overwhelming passion. Just as I had with her blood I would develop ways to handle the hunger. I would not truly open the gate to my own heart until after Bella was changed or my objective would not be met. In that moment I resolved to put a lock on my own selfish desires and to do this for her. After all Bella had given and was willing to sacrifice for me she deserved this.

Confident with my resolution I descended back to earth, despite the acute awareness that the lock on my heart and desires was a timed one and it was only a matter of years, months, weeks, days, hours or seconds until that gate burst open again.

Tick tock. Tick tock.


	7. Chapter 7

CHAPTER SEVEN

I stalked further into the forest to hunt. Tracking down a mountain lion, I ripped into it hungrily, draining it quickly. I savoured this primal act, as hunting remained the only time I was free from all of my inhibitions and facades. Bella's blood was still in my system and as I had now gotten over the initial shock of what had happened the euphoric state was beginning to set in. Bella's blood made me feel high and reckless, as if anything were possible and I knew I needed to curb this feeling before my heightened emotional state muddled me up any further. I drained another lion before leaning over a small stream and splashing the water over my face. I attempted to wash the scent of Bella's arousal off me, but it remained ingrained in my clothes.

Finally sated and feeling relatively sane, I sat up on a large rock overlooking a large portion of the forest. The sun was beginning to rise and I pinched the bridge of my nose out of habit in an effort to settle myself. I didn't have time to ponder and contemplate everything down to the minutest detail. Instead, I needed to focus and keep moving forward. I need to maintain a sense of moderation at all times and stay up on the tightrope that on one side threatened to have me fall into a sea of bloody recklessness and on the other side lay frigid depression. The next few weeks would capture watershed moments, not only in my life, but in Bella's as well and I was damned if I was going to ruin it for her. I made a promise and I intended to keep it. With this resolution in my heart, the tightrope ahead of me seemed to steady and I decided it was time to go home and get changed.

I leapt up to my own bedroom window, and shed my clothes on to the floor, before heading into my bathroom to shower. As the warm water washed over me, the previous night's memories began to surface. Bella's taste, her body writhing up and responding to my actions, her kneading at her own breasts and pleading at me for more. The auditory memory of Bella moaning my name as she came proved too much and I relieved the pressure in several swift strokes, hoping that I was quiet enough that my family members didn't hear me, but at the same time not really caring. Upon release I immediately felt a wave of guilt, but I ignored it. This was a necessary means for staying in control. I couldn't help, but scoff sceptically at my justification, but it was true.

I moved into my bedroom and pulled out some new clothes from my dresser draw. As I put on a clean pair of jeans and pulled a fresh grey shirt over my head, I heard Emmett's thoughts approaching my room. I sat on my bed to put on my shoes, as Emmett entered.

"Sounds good." I nodded at Emmett, who had come in to suggest that he, Jasper and I go on a brotherly hunting trip / buck's night the night before the wedding. I knew the trip was actually Carlisle's idea and that he intended for it to tick off several wedding prerequisites, including; dulling my thirst, getting some last minute brotherly advice from Emmett and Jasper and keeping me occupied and away from Bella for the last night, as was traditional.

"There is no surprising you is there?"

"No," I grinned at him, as I stood up to leave again. "And try and keep those double entendres you've been working on throwing at Bella to a minimum."

Emmett gave one of his infectiously happy roars, as he headed toward the door.

"They're pretty good aren't they?"

I rolled my eyes and Emmett laughed before his attention was diverted.

_What can I smell?_

Emmett paused momentarily as he tried to place the scent. He caught sight of my discarded clothing on the floor and his eyebrows raised as he made the connection. A smart alec comment was sparking at the tip of his tongue, but to his credit he kept his mouth shut and tried not to shout out his opinions via his thoughts. With a grin and what seemed to be feelings of pride and genuine happiness toward me, he gave me a tongue in cheek salute and left.

I got in my Volvo and decided to stop at the diner and pick up Bella a cup of takeaway tea on the way, as she had recently become quite found of their particular blend of English Breakfast despite the fact that she considered buying tea extremely decadent when she simply could just brew a pot up at home. 'I just can't get the same blend', she uttered in frustration following her third attempt at replicating the concoction.

I entered the diner and ordered the tea, pausing briefly to ponder whether it was appropriate to bring tea as a peace offering following drinking your fiancée's blood via cunnilingus and then jumping out the window? I pinched the bridge of my nose for the hundredth time this morning, shaking my head at the absurdity of the situation. As I waited for the tea to brew I became aware of a tense conversation happening between two of the diner's patrons in a corner booth. Jessica Stanley and Mike Newton were obviously about to press the off button once again on their on again/off again relationship. It seemed Mike's ongoing obsession with Bella was proving too much for Jessica to bear. Not that she was particularly interested in Mike, he was just there to fill the gap between now and college. Jessica just craved the attention that Bella drew without trying.

"Here you go, Edward," the barista, a kind, elderly woman, held out the piping hot tea to me. "All the best to you and Bella for your wedding."

"Thank you very much," I nodded with a smile, taking the tea and wrapping a napkin around it in an effort to keep as little of the heat from being transferred via my icy hands. Hearing my name Jessica and Mike's heads had snapped up in my direction.

"Edward?" Jessica called out almost involuntarily. Inwardly I sighed, before turning around and greeting them both civilly.

"Jessica. Mike. How are you both?"

"Great," Jessica lied in an effort to save face. Whilst Mike just glared at her and looked up at me with pure resentment.

_I can't believe Cullen's boning Bella. Man, if I had her…_

I tried to block Mike's thoughts out of my mind by turning to answer Jessica's question.

"So Edward, are you ready for your big day?"

"I can't wait," I genuinely smiled, whilst Jessica looked at me curiously.

_Maybe he did knock Bella up? They're weird. I'm not getting married until I'm at least 30._

Irritated I got ready to bid my farewells, as Mike's unsavoury thoughts flooded my head again. Despite the fact that I didn't consider him to be the slightest hint of a threat to Bella and my relationship, his infatuation still inspired waves of furious jealousy within me. I shot him a look that said _'Think about my fiancée like that again and I'll snap your neck. And yes, I get to touch her in ways you will only ever be able to imagine'_. Mike's response was to go very quiet, as the blood drained away from his face and for the first time he genuinely began to wonder whether there was something truly monstrous about me. Before leaving, I composed myself, placed my mask back on and assured them both that I was looking forward to seeing them at the wedding.

On the drive to Bella's house I shook my head free of Mike's ludicrous fantasies, whilst realising that I was just a little bit proud of myself and that I did have more of a strut in my step this morning. My confidence was growing and this filled me with increasing urges, which I had to keep at bay. I clawed at my hair in momentary frustration. I was hurtling towards breaking point. This morning all I could trust myself to do was make sure Bella was ok, give her the tea and schedule a time later in the day where we could talk properly.

Charlie had already left for work by the time I swung Bella's window open in one jubilant and fluid movement. I could hear Bella in the shower, as the comforting scent of strawberry shampoo wafted through the steam in the nearby bathroom. Bella had already stripped her bed and changed the sheets and the scent of vanilla air freshener hung in the air. The water stopped and I heard Bella's feet padding around the bathroom floor, as she dressed and groomed herself. What I would have given to be able to read her thoughts at this very moment. My feelings of euphoria once again gave way, but this time it wasn't to guilt, instead I realised that I was nervous. I placed Bella's tea down on the bedside table and waited edgily by the window. Having never been good at predicting Bella's reactions I tried not to guess and focused upon presenting the most gentlemanly demeanour I could possibly summon.

"Edward?" Bella called from the doorway and I spun around to be greeted by two shining, chocolate covered eyes. She was dressed in jeans and a blue tee, her pale face looked fresh and naturally beautiful, draped in her magnificent mane of shiny hair.

"You look surprised to see me?" I asked quizzically, as she blushed.

"Honestly? I thought you would be wallowing in a guilt ridden puddle for at least the next 48 hours." Bella gazed up at me, a small smile playing on her lips. "Who are you and what have you done with Edward Cullen?"

I smiled at Bella despite myself. With my confidence growing, I leant into her and kissed her with more intensity than I had ever allowed myself before. Bella's body naturally responded and I reluctantly pulled away, removing myself to the far side of the room.

"I think a compulsory radius of several feet in distance is going to be necessary if I am going to make it to the wedding in one piece, love."

"Spontaneous combustion?" Bella arched her eyebrow at me provocatively.

"Something like that," I conceded wryly. "Was Charlie ok?"

"He actually checked the closet to see if you were in there," Bella laughed. "I think he's beginning to subscribe to the 'Don't ask, don't tell' policy."

I gave Bella a small smile, wanting to move past this superficial conversation and into the deeper matters at hand, but I kept to my original plan.

"I realise that you have a day filled with Alice, but I was hoping you could pencil in an hour or so this afternoon to spend in the meadow with your fiancé."

Bella smiled radiantly at me.

"I suppose I could fit you in somewhere between Alice's tenth make up trial and taste testing wedding cakes," she teased and stepped toward me. I quickly darted to the window.

"Are you ok?" Bella asked, her smile fading slightly.

"Silly Bella," I grinned at her honestly. "I've never been better. We will talk properly this afternoon. I'll collect you from Alice at 3pm."

Bella nodded understandingly at me.

"Now drink your tea, Miss Swan, before it gets cold." With one last cheeky grin I leapt out the window and got in the car. Sitting in the driver's seat I grabbed a fist full of my hair again and pulled at it with renewed frustration. My mind was overrun by an inward dual where it was simultaneously attempting to fuel and quell my carnal desires. I honestly didn't know how I was going to successfully fulfil all of my promises to Bella, but I knew I had to. Selfishly, I wanted to achieve them even more than she did and deep down I knew that would be enough to get us both safely across the line.

A deep growl rose up from my chest, as I pulled out on to the road and drove off to my next destination.


End file.
